Thursday, September 29, 2011

Shock value

Who knew Puppy Love would be the place for rock music.

Just as I had an explanation for Depeche Mode's "Precious," I have another for Duran Duran's "What Happens Tomorrow."

Out of the countless highly personal rejections I have received thus far for my chapter book, Bedtime Tails, today found itself as a deafening blow and true shock value to my emotions.  I received my first form rejection, an unexpected rejection to say the least.  My query to this agent was exclusive, meaning I could not send my work to others until I got a response from this agent.  The sender name in the email was the agency, so I should have figured as much.  There was no salutation (Dear Author, Dear Lauren Hovis).  The rejection was so raw and impersonal, I am still in shock.

So how does this rejection relate to Duran Duran's live rendition of "What Happens Tomorrow?" 

There are a few lyrics I relate to as a pick-me-up anthem - those needed most based on my previous text post.  I punish my emotions and mental strength too often, when I really need them the most.  I have come so far with my submissions - where major agencies strongly believe in the concept potential of Bedtime Tails and believe even more that my one agent is out there.  

Bedtime Tails is worthwhile in publishing.  My name is worthwhile in publishing, solely based on my all but one personal responses.  I should not let one harsh rejection bring me down.  I figured this agent would say no, but I gave them a chance.  So I move on in my dog determined mindset.  You never know, after all, what will happen tomorrow.

And one last thing - my page impressions so far have reached 666.  I hope this post gets me out of such a sinful number.

Duran Duran-What Happens Tomorrow (Live in London)HQ.wmv

Friday, September 23, 2011

Depression hurts, if only puppy love could help

I imagine readers are wondering why a rock song from You Tube is posted on Puppy Love.  I imagine more so why I posted a rock song from You Tube after such a long absence on Puppy Love.  Here's the thing.

The whole of September has been an emotional wash out for me.  I have experienced swings of emotions that should not exist, mainly depression.  There are so many events highlighting my life that I no longer can compartmentalize.

I have permanent involuntary muscle spasms caused by a medication I took several years ago.  I call these spasms ticks.  My ticks started in my legs, which I initially dismissed.  Until they moved to both shoulders, causing severe muscle pulls in one or both shoulders at least once a week for a full month.  Then they moved to my back.  In July of this year, I pulled a muscle in my back twice in two weeks.  The pulls were on top of a scoliosis scar from surgery I had at age 11.  The pain was equivalent to fresh out of the operating room.  At present, as I write this post, the ticks are severe in my lower back, both legs, and my forehead.  My lower back ticks cause debilitation in concentration.  My leg ticks have left me with chronic pain.  If I do not move around every hour (if I am in a seated position for too long), I feel the beginning of a muscle pull or severe stretch in both legs.  My leg ticks likewise cause debilitation in concentration.  My forehead ticks are just annoying and cause me to constantly squeeze my eyes shut.  Constant emotional and physical pain and debilitation in concentration once left me insane.  A part of my rational mind has now just checked out for permanent.

The only passion I will ever truly know is writing - blogging, fiction writing.  Successful writing does not come overnight.  The best bloggers wait years to see financial gain.  The most well-known authors, names readers take for granted, wait for the longest time to get a yes and in the mean time get brutalized with dozens or more in form and dare say personal rejections.  I have had my share of let downs, the only highlight of receiving a no being that the rejections have all been extremely personal and hopeful that someone else will be the one.  I must wait to find that someone.  But the wait is driving me into the ground. 

I want so desperately to find my one agent for Bedtime Tails and perhaps for my picture book stories.  A yes would validate my worth as a writer.  A yes would validate my desired career as an author.  A yes would finally bring any income, which I need sorely.

I am 28 years old and have never lived on my own.  I have ideals for my first time out.  But in the end, I just want to be independent.

My life is mundane.  I have no friends.  I have nothing to look forward to each day.  I do the same things each day.  I have no job prospects to keep me occupied while I wait for my one agent.  I am not sure that I want to look for a job because I would have to face the hell I went through for a year after college graduation, and I am already doing what I love - writing.  But writing is not bringing in an income worth considering from month to month.

I am, quite simply, depressed.

I look at each day's daily puppy.  They seem so happy.  I no longer melt with puppy love.  I melt with sadness.

I need to take a break from Puppy Love, just until I can sort out my emotions enough to heal.  I am emotionally fragile right now, hence the Depeche Mode "Precious" post.  I will return someday, when I can melt once more with puppy love.

Pawfive not today.

Depeche mode - Precious

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Dog tired

I am passionate about writing fiction.  I adore even more writing about what I know and love - dogs.  Yet this summer has been exhausting as I continue my seemingly never-ending search for my one agent for "Bedtime Tails."  Frankly. . .I am dog tired.

Researching children's literature agencies and agents is relatively easy - if you go to the right online directories.

Researching the best agent for my work is a bit more difficult.  At times, I consider one name when another name is better.  At other times, the agent I desired is no longer accepting submissions.  There is always the joy in discovering a nonexistant website for an agency I wanted greatly to pursue.

Research leads to results. . .so has been said.  I find an agent.  Their bio is intriguing and I must send my work, whether just being a letter or attaching a sample.  I draft - by hand - a letter that is revised at least once before typing and clicking send.  This process runs to the tune of multiple.

And I wait.  I wait a week.  I wait a month.  I wait several weeks.  I wait.

In the mean time, I write new projects with an animal theme - my newest being a picture book series entitled "It's Raining Cats and Dogs."  I write every day.  Sometimes I dream ideas into a waking state.  I write.  I am always writing!

The life of an unpublished author is never-ending.  Every piece I compose has to be literary agent ready.  I write.  I research.  I query.  I wait.  I write.

I am, quite simply, dog tired.