I imagine readers are wondering why a rock song from You Tube is posted on Puppy Love. I imagine more so why I posted a rock song from You Tube after such a long absence on Puppy Love. Here's the thing.
The whole of September has been an emotional wash out for me. I have experienced swings of emotions that should not exist, mainly depression. There are so many events highlighting my life that I no longer can compartmentalize.
I have permanent involuntary muscle spasms caused by a medication I took several years ago. I call these spasms ticks. My ticks started in my legs, which I initially dismissed. Until they moved to both shoulders, causing severe muscle pulls in one or both shoulders at least once a week for a full month. Then they moved to my back. In July of this year, I pulled a muscle in my back twice in two weeks. The pulls were on top of a scoliosis scar from surgery I had at age 11. The pain was equivalent to fresh out of the operating room. At present, as I write this post, the ticks are severe in my lower back, both legs, and my forehead. My lower back ticks cause debilitation in concentration. My leg ticks have left me with chronic pain. If I do not move around every hour (if I am in a seated position for too long), I feel the beginning of a muscle pull or severe stretch in both legs. My leg ticks likewise cause debilitation in concentration. My forehead ticks are just annoying and cause me to constantly squeeze my eyes shut. Constant emotional and physical pain and debilitation in concentration once left me insane. A part of my rational mind has now just checked out for permanent.
The only passion I will ever truly know is writing - blogging, fiction writing. Successful writing does not come overnight. The best bloggers wait years to see financial gain. The most well-known authors, names readers take for granted, wait for the longest time to get a yes and in the mean time get brutalized with dozens or more in form and dare say personal rejections. I have had my share of let downs, the only highlight of receiving a no being that the rejections have all been extremely personal and hopeful that someone else will be the one. I must wait to find that someone. But the wait is driving me into the ground.
I want so desperately to find my one agent for Bedtime Tails and perhaps for my picture book stories. A yes would validate my worth as a writer. A yes would validate my desired career as an author. A yes would finally bring any income, which I need sorely.
I am 28 years old and have never lived on my own. I have ideals for my first time out. But in the end, I just want to be independent.
My life is mundane. I have no friends. I have nothing to look forward to each day. I do the same things each day. I have no job prospects to keep me occupied while I wait for my one agent. I am not sure that I want to look for a job because I would have to face the hell I went through for a year after college graduation, and I am already doing what I love - writing. But writing is not bringing in an income worth considering from month to month.
I am, quite simply, depressed.
I look at each day's daily puppy. They seem so happy. I no longer melt with puppy love. I melt with sadness.
I need to take a break from Puppy Love, just until I can sort out my emotions enough to heal. I am emotionally fragile right now, hence the Depeche Mode "Precious" post. I will return someday, when I can melt once more with puppy love.
Pawfive not today.
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